Born out of people pleasing we learnt to override our NO.

Disapproval at a young age often felt like a fear too great to risk. To keep the favour of our parents and caregivers, we learnt to say YES…to what was really a NO…But the fall out is we often end up building resentment against those that we are trying to stay in favour with.

Our yes, although wanting to protect our relationships actually does the opposite. The people around us are no longer safe as they keep on tripping over our invisible boundaries unawares.

The point at which we allow our boundaries to be crossed is the exact point we start to build resentment.

Many of my clients, and I will include myself in that mix, are in the knowledge that they do not hold healthy boundaries and yet are not possessing the skills of how to change.

We all have boundaries and our boundaries change like the tide. Somedays, we are well rested, stress levels are low, we’ve eaten and drunk enough and our boundaries are far more generous. Other days, or possibly even later in the day, this may well not be the case.

As Brene Brown states, “Boundaries are; this is the most I can give you without taking away from myself.” So it would make sense that on different days we have more capacity to give than others.

To learn in your body what our NO feels like, we must also know what our YES feels like. Sometimes it’s a MAYBE…which is not the invitation to push it into a yes…but rather to pause. Our maybe is best stated as a no, until it becomes a yes, within us. Not as a pressure either from another or from our own internal coercion.

Practicing active listening with ourselves, which takes time to re-learn. We knew as babies, what felt good and what didn’t…somewhere along the line that knowing got muddied.

When we don’t communicate our yes or no, our partners have no way of knowing. And, through lack of communication, we might be unintentionally enabling things we would rather not.

I’ll leave you with a practice handed down from Gabor Mate, that you might like to take into your week/ life.

In what areas of your life to do struggle to hold boundaries?

What is the cost to you?

What is the impact on your relationships?

What is the belief you hold of yourself if you were to hold boundary?

Where did that belief come from?