Clients come to me…they are not connecting…they are arguing, conflicting…there is no intimacy…there is no sex…And behind it all is resentment….All the little and big things that have gone unaddressed, unacknowledged, unresolved, unspoken…The apologies that never came, the accountability that was not forthcoming….All the little ways we have felt unseen, unheard and not important in the others life. That, in time, solidifies into resentments. And while left unaddressed the walls of which become more fortified with each week, month, year they are left….festering in the corner like a malignant mess.

Most none of us have been taught the tools for healthy conflict and so we either avoid the conversations or we armour up and go into battle. When neither of those approach’s work….we go silent…silently seething and getting further and further from each other…left out in the cold in loneliness and isolation.

How do we create a safe space for these deeply vulnerable conversations…who is going to de-armour first? 

When we can learn the tools to create emotional safety, we can begin to let the battle shields down together…as long as there is a willingness to. To learn the skills to truly listen…not from a place of reaction or waiting our turn to jump in with our response…but from a place of curiosity. Tapping into our generosity…with a desire to truly understand the other, regardless of whether we agree with them or not. Learning what a real apology looks like, beyond ‘I’m sorry’, so that it is felt and truly lands. Setting aside for a long moment the ego, which always wants to be right, to see, own and express the parts that we have each played in getting us to where we’ve got….We are on the road to stitching, what was once a deeply loving union, back together. 

I witness miracles happen in moments when all faith was lost. Is this easy work?…No…it’s confronting AF…But until we can truly face ourselves and each other…stripped bare of all our woundings, projections and resentments…we won’t come to feel the connection that has been so missing.