One of the things that I often witness seems to cause great disrupt within peoples intimate relationships is differing attachment styles.

Attachment theory was first put forward by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth following on from the work of renown Psychoanalyst, John Bowlby in the 1960 & 70’s. The basic premise is that that are 3 basic attachment styles, Anxious, Avoidant and Secure. Ideally we can learn to become more secure in our attachment and fortunately relationships can provide us for the ground in which to do that. What I often see is that there is no greater draw than an anxious attacher and an avoidant.

This relationship dynamic although fraught can help to make us more aware of where our attachments style sits. It presents us with two sides of a coin. On the one side, if our partner would just give us, or do, then we perceive all would be well. However, as I often posit, relationships are an incubus for growth and evolution. As the Dalai Lama says, if you can not sit meditating your life away in a cave, where you would have to face all the good, bad and ugly about yourself, then get into an intimate relationship. And so, within the context of attachment styles, our partner not showing up for us in the way that we belief would heal our wounds means that we have to do the work ourselves. When looked at in that light, there is a great service our partner is doing for us by mirroring where there is growth and work to be done.

A Secure Attachment style is where we find a sense of security in ourselves, where we can lean into relationship in the trust that our needs will be met, and on the days our partner can not, we can find the means to soothe ourselves. The message it send is I am here for you and I can depend on you to be there for me.

An Anxious Attachment style is where we fear our partner will leave, that the relationship will end and we are constantly looking for reassurance that we will not be abandoned. Interestingly I see this attachment style being the first one to blow up the relationship when needs are not being met. The message it sends is, you are never there when I need you.

An Avoidant Attachment style is one that will turn away and check out at the hint of disrupt. It might look like self soothing but it creates distance and negative cycles within the relationship. The message it sends is that I am not there for you when you need me.

Although events later in life can also impact our attachment style, however, they are usually formed in infancy. Understanding our attachment style can be a great help in understanding ourselves, our partners and our relationship dynamics better. With compassion for ourselves and our partners, new ways of learning are possible, which can greatly benefit our relationships.