Holding a positive perspective of our relationship might just be one of the most important things we can do to safe guard it’s survival and longevity. How do we hold a positive perspective of our relationship when we are hard wired for threat? 

We’ve done that so well to survive as a species, hence there are 8 billion of us on the planet. However, that same threat response, when taken into our intimate relationships, does not work so well. If we have come from a history of trauma, whether that be childhood or past relationships, this too will colour our perspectives. Leading us to constantly be looking for the threat, looking for the other to be untrustworthy. Expecting the worst of them and generally not seeing them in their best possible light. 

If there has been betrayal within the current relationship, we will likewise find it difficult not to be looking for them to fall down before our eyes again. When we look at our intimate partners through such a lens, we do not create the grounds for loving, supportive union. Our nervous systems, when detecting threat, activate the opposite part of the brain that is needed for kindness, compassion, openness, care and ultimately love. 

So what do we do? This is where both individual therapy and couples therapy can be of use. To acknowledge our past history and how that is impacting our current view of the other within individual therapy. If there are ongoing issues of safety within the current relationship, they obviously need to be addressed. If there has been betrayal, this also needs to be addressed. Beyond that, we need to be become aware of our negative bias. 

How we think and talk about the relationship to others and ourselves. Becoming aware if we are focussing on the negative to the exclusion of the positive. Holding a positive perspective of our relationship, can be a choice and something we cultivate within ourselves and within the relationship. Once we form a habit of viewing the other from a negative perspective, it takes conscious effort and will to turn those habits around. 

Obviously we don’t want to excuse certain behaviours or problematic treatment, but where will we draw this line? We are all works in progress, and nobody is perfect or complete with their growth and evolution. When we can hold such a generous light of our intimate partner, we might just fortify our relationship from failing. Creating the grounds for a collaborative open, safe and joy filled relationship experience.