Sex isn’t something we do but a place that we go…

This was a phrase coined by the fabulous relationship therapist, Esther Perel. It is a phrase that I  often share with couples who are having difficulty navigating their intimate lives. I also think it is something that we might more often recognise we are doing when we are dating or newly in relationship. 

Consciously creating the space for intimacy, we set up dates, we prepare ourselves physically,  mentally and emotionally to meet up with the other. We create a space of intimacy, of trust, of connection within which to engage with the other. We recognise that this takes an intention, it takes our presence, commitment and desire to build a safe container in which sexual intimacy might occur. Notice that I used might? Part of the building of desire is the unknown, just as a fundamental to the release of dopamine, our feel good happy motivating hormone,  is in the pursuit of reward and not the reward itself. 

When we approach the realms of sexuality with a mindset of creating a space in which sexual intimacy might occur we tend to show up in a different way. What do we need to build that space? What does our partner require to build that space? 

Sexual desire isn’t a switch that we flip but sits nestled into the rest of the relationship and how we are showing up for that. The emotional safety we’ve created, the appreciation that we share, the presence that we have, and the navigating and resolution of inevitable conflicts. I see sex as the canary in the coal mine, if there are difficulties within this realm, it most usually reflects other parts of the relationship dynamic.